Friday, 15 July, 2011

Welcome to Harperville PT 4: “More smoke and fire down your pants”

[“It does make it look like the federal government is using the public purse as a piggy bank for their own ridings.” P. Nash, NDP finance critic]

I don’t mind that our federal Conservative government is spending money across Canada on good programs that do good things for good people.

After all, I’m a good people too and one day I may get a bonus for all that I do... everywhere. (I’m ready now).

Again, after all, Canadian cash for an airport in Saskatchewan may good people working at good jobs until the high price of fuel puts the squeeze on future flights. And Canadian cash for a doughnut manufacturer in New Brunswick may keep good people up to their waist in goodies until the cows come home... if they can pass through the farm gate without getting stuck.

At least eight other ministers or Conservative MPs are making funding announcements across Canada too. Good.

Unless... unless the MPs are only Conservative MPs and the projects they’re funding are in Conservative ridings. This is Canada after all, home to NDPers and Grits and Greens and a few Bloc members. And money should be distributed fairly.


[“Cement Hands Clement is in control now, Canada.”]

I mean, if Treasury Board Prez “Cement Hands” Clement is going to tighten the collective belts of all Canadians, then largess (from the overall savings, of course) should be spread out in a neat and tidy manner to all those affected. Not just those good people in good Conservative ridings.

Otherwise, Canadians’ll just get the impression that PM Harper is singing his favourite tune again, i.e., Welcome to Harperville.

I do mind that.

I already know the chorus off by heart:

“Here’s to smoke and fire down your pants,
Down your pants, down your pants.
Here’s to smoke and fire down your pants,
Oily in the morning.”


***

Please click here for more “Smoke and fire down your pants.”

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Thursday, 10 March, 2011

Wednesday, 23 February, 2011

Friday, 18 February, 2011

Thursday, 10 February, 2011

The Outermost House


In the early 1920's Henry Beston, spent a great deal of time at his cabin on Cape Cod. He quickly became enamoured with his surroundings and completed many notes which eventually were bound together in the book The Outermost House (his cabin). I discovered the following quote that clearly had meaning ...


" For a moment of night we have a glimpse of ourselves and of our world, islanded in a stream of stars - pilgrims of mortality, voyaging between horizons across eternal seas of space and time."


Henry Beston 1928

Wednesday, 2 February, 2011

Words Don't Mean Nothin' Part 5 ... Finally

And if my new meaningless jargon upsets anyone, I can always refer to my Elizabethan Insult Chart. Let’s see if I choose the numbers 7 .. 11 .. 16 … what will I get?

Column 1

Column 2

Column 3

Bawdy

Bat-fowling

Baggage

Beslubbering

Beef-witted

Barnacle

Bootless

Beetle-headed

Bladder

Churlish

Boil-brained

Boar-pig

Craven

Common-kissing

Canker-blossom

Droning

Dog-hearted

Codpiece

Fobbing

Elf-skinned

Flap-dragon

Gleeking

Flap-mouthed

Foot-licker

Infectious

Full-gorged

Haggard

Jarring

Guts-griping

Harpy

Loggerheaded

Half-faced

Hedge-pig

Mangled

Hell-hated

Jolt-head

Mewling

Idle-headed

Lewdster

Paunchy

Ill-breeding

Lout

Pribbling

Ill-nurtured

Maggot-pie

Puking

Knotty-pated

Malt-worm

Puny

Milk-livered

Mammet

Quailing

Motley-minded

Measle

Saucy

Reeling-ripe

Nut-hook

Spleeny

Rough-hewn

Pigeon-egg

Spongy

Rude-growing

Pignut

Surly

Rump-fed

Puttock

Tottering

Shard-borne

Pumpion

Unmuzzled

Sheep-biting

Rats-bane

Venomed

Swag-bellied

Skains-mate

Warped

Tickle-brained

Varlot

Wayward

Toad-spotted

Vassal

Yeasty

Weather-bitten

Wagtail

*taken from Museangel.net (modified)

So you don't like my total incremental flexibility ... well you ‘fobbing, half-faced malt-worm’. Now that has meaning!

Words Don't Mean Nothin' Part 4

I think you get the idea. Time is running short and I must prepare for my upcoming committee meeting. I will require a few phrases with 'meaning' to impress the round table. My handy buzz phrase generator should do!

In 1968, Newsweek magazine published a short, but humorous article, How to Win at Wordsmanship. It described the "Systematic Buzz Phrase Projector," a concept developed by Philip Broughton, a (then) 63 year old worker in the US Public Health Service. He must have had a delightful sense of humor.

Broughton's system uses this three-column list of 30 cleverly chosen buzzwords.

Column 1

Column 2

Column 3

0. integrated

0. management

0. options

1. total

1. organizational

1. flexibility

2. systematized

2. monitored

2. capability

3. parallel

3. reciprocal

3. mobility

4. functional

4. digital

4. programming

5. responsive

5. logistical

5. concept

6. optional

6. transitional

6. time-phase

7. synchronized

7. incremental

7. projection

8. compatible

8. third-generation

8. hardware

9. balanced

9. policy

9. contingency

To use the SBPP, just make up a 3 digit number and then choose the numbered buzzword from each column. So, if you chose 171, you would get total incremental flexibility (tif). Try it for yourself.

The idea was to drop these random buzz phrase nuggets into conversation or technical reports. Broughton said "No one will have the remotest idea of what you are talking about, but the important thing is that they're not about to admit it."

Even after 43 years, they still sound amazingly jargon-like, don't they?

It has a nice ring to it ... total incremental flexibility. If you can’t beat them, might as well join ‘em.

Words Don't Mean Nothin' Part 3

I am gradually losing my hair as it continues to thin out. No fear now that I am using volumizing shampoo that is ‘Specifically formulated to thicken and strengthen hair. See results after each wash.’ First of all volumizing isn’t even a word but it has the right sound and I haven’t seen any results yet. I’ll keep trying.

It doesn’t matter where I turn words don’t mean nothin’.

I think we are all about sounds. If it sounds good it must be good. We do not have the time to analyze, to ponder or question. We quickly move to the next topic or distraction with very short memories.

It is good to know that my Oasis Health Break Blackcurrant-Elderberry juice has 100 mg of beta glucan Wellmune WGP per serving or the dishwashing detergent has deep cleaning power but I guess not that deep because I can upgrade to a Finish Powerball for a brilliant All-in-1 clean and shine.

Words Don't Mean Nothin' Part 2

As I was pondering the meaning of the label on a can of soup, I drove by an empty dilapidated restaurant with the following lettering on its door; “Famous for its special ribs and wings.” Famous is not a word used much anymore. I guess they weren’t famous enough … maybe what they meant to say but couldn’t fit it on the door; “We sell ribs and wings and if enough of you come in we could keep our restaurant open (besides fame is fleeting).

I turned my satellite radio a little louder to drown out my thoughts and then quickly glanced at the empty seat beside me. On a flyer, Sirius Satellite Radio was offering me a deal; 6 months for $30 … sounded good! But then I noticed the byline, “Sirius will do what it takes to get you back!” First of all, I haven’t left and second of all what exactly would they do to get me back since I haven’t left? Would they pay me or better still give me my own radio channel; right up there with Howard Stern, Frank Sinatra and CNN? Something tells me probably not.

Gone are the days when Horton the elephant sat on the egg and uttered those ‘famous’ words, “I meant what I said. And I said what I meant.”

Tuesday, 1 February, 2011

Words Don't Mean Nothin' Part 1

It started with the first mouthful. There were many more potatoes than clams … New England Clam Chowder in a can. With only a hint of clam, I wondered how many rubbery bivalves would you need before you could call your soup clam chowder?

I am sure the list of ingredients would tell me exactly what I wanted to know. The first ingredient was clam broth. What exactly is clam broth? How many clams would the recipe call for? Would it be three clams per litre or 1.75 … something tells me very few. Maybe this dilemma is a good thing; if we think we are eating clam chowder and very few clams are used (I suspect so) for the broth and even fewer end up in the can, I am sure the clam community would be quite happy and so would the environment.

And by the way what does New England have to do with this can of soup?

Sunday, 23 January, 2011

New Children’s Book Pt 2: “All Dads Have Gas”

[Suitable for children of all ages.]

All Dads Have Gas

An Interlude



Quack!

Do you think a duck made that noise?

***

Please click here to read New Children’s Book Pt 1: “All Dads Have Gas”.

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Wednesday, 19 January, 2011

New Children’s Book Pt 1: “All Dads Have Gas”

[Suitable for children of all ages.]

All Dads Have Gas

Chapter One


Picture in your mind a father in shorts and scruffy T-shirt a-workin’ silently in his garden with the help of his curious 6-year old son.

Both are raking weeds away from healthy tomato plants and feeling the heat of a sunny July afternoon.

Suddenly, the silence between them is broken.

“Quack!”

“Dad, did you hear that?” says the boy.

“Sorry. What’s that, son?” says the father.

“I thought I heard a duck,” says the boy.

“Where?” says the father.


["What? What?"]

“Over there,” says the boy. Then he points toward a tall tomato plant behind his father.

The father looks behind him. No duck.

“Our neighbour has chickens. Maybe you heard a chicken cluck,” says the father.

“No, it didn’t sound like a chicken cluck. It sounded like a duck quack.”

“Another neighbour has a dog. Maybe you heard a dog bark,” says the father.

“No, it didn’t sound like a dog bark. It sounded like a duck quack. A loud one.”

“Well, isn’t that the strangest thing,” says the father, as he steps into a new row of healthy tomato plants and wipes his brow.

“You’re doing a great job with that rake, son,” says the father.

“Will you help me with another row?” he asks. “Together we’ll keep our eyes peeled for that duck of yours.”

The boy nods, and sniffs the air.

***

Chapter Two to soon follow.

Quack. Why, isn’t that the strangest thing?

To learn about the inspiration behind this exciting children’s book, “All Dads Have Gas,” please click here.

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Tuesday, 18 January, 2011

Deforest City Blues PT 3: Where do Londoners get complete news?

If you want complete news don’t look to Quebec Media Inc. or the QMI Agency, the money and mindless muscle behind our local paper, The London Free Press.

For QMI to say, as they did in a recent editorial entitled ‘Canada must take lessons from European debt woes’ (Dec. 28, 2010), that public sector programs and wages are the chief reasons Canada is headed toward the same problems facing England, Ireland, Portugal, Greece and Spain, is almost comic.

I actually got more truth from a same-day Dilbert cartoon.


["Hats off to Scott Adams, dilbert.com]

For some unnamed editor to write that social programs are unaffordable and “we cannot continue to fund costly programs such as all-day kindergarten... we must get civil service salaries and lavish pensions under control... we must get public sector pay hikes under control - now... they are ticking time bombs waiting to blow up in the faces of future generations” is a far cry from “reliable, complete and up-to-the-minute news coverage” as per the QMI mission statement.

Why?


Because not one word is said about short comings in the private sector or business enterprises.

I can assure you, if there are time bombs in the public sector, there are far greater ones in the private.

For example:

Our own mayor recently expressed a wish to impose a special levy (and create an economic development fund) on local taxpayers so that monies could be collected and used to encourage local economic development.

(I wrote about it in my blog here.)

(I wrote about it in my weekly column here.)

Here are the juicy bits:

“The city waives development charges — levied to help pay for the cost of growth — for new and expanding industries. Those charges totalled $9.5 million in 2009. Instead, taxpayers picked up the tab.”

“Homeowners are also paying $4 million a year in higher water rates than recommended, so business can get a break.”

“Those two policies alone amount to $13.5 million a year.”
(‘Subsidies In Spotlight’ by Norman De Bono, The London Free Press, August 17, 2010)

If you can show me that London’s public programs and wages would be just unaffordable as QMI implies if our wise city fathers had $13.5 additional dollars at their disposal - annually! - then I’ll eat my hat.


And London is just one of dozens of medium-sized cities across Canada supporting private enterprise through public tax dollars. The total amount of subsidies, bailouts, no-interest loans, etc., must be in the billions.

I’d ask QMI Agency for a number but I’m sure they don’t know. They’re so busy painting the public sector black that they have no time to notice how quickly and deeply the private sector is bleeding the country dry.

Read ‘song for the blue ocean.’ (See ‘read This’ in right hand margin). Private fisheries are bleeding the oceans dry.

Read ‘The Politics of Oil.’ Private oil refineries are bleeding governments, whole countries dry.

Read ‘The Collapse of Globalism’ in which I read the following:

“It was noticed that from the second half of the 1990s on, two-thirds of American corporations paid no federal income tax. Yet corporate profits were soaring.

“Ninety percent of companies paid under 5 percent of their total income.

“In Equatorial Guinea, newly rich in oil, the national income is statistically sixth in the world. In reality the money goes elsewhere
(i.e., not into the public purse, e.g., to help with public education) and the multinationals involved are complicit in its disappearance.”

On every corner of the globe private enterprise has degraded the land, sea, air and public purse for the sake of profit and power.

Yet QMI degrades the public sector, and like the upstanding private citizen that it is, forgets to mention any harm its fellow corporate friends have done to the public purse they all eat from.


According to a Dilbert cartoon featured on the same day as the unbalanced, incomplete editorial, there’s a common name for the type of sandwich that private enterprise wants the common man to eat every single day of the year.

Can you guess its lovely name?

***

Please visit Deforest City Blues Pt 1 here.

Please visit Deforest City Blues Pt 2 here.

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Monday, 17 January, 2011